My dad and Me

I started writing this in April 2010 but some how time just flew by and i only finished this today.

 My parents were divorced when I was 5. Being raise by my mo, meant I didnt have a close relationship with my dad. For many years we are more like strangers.


The times when he did come to visit me, It was very awkward for me but as I grew older I suspected it was awkward for my Dad as well.

Why my parents got a divorce? I have never found out the actual truth. After all my parents had 4 kids and were together for 6 years. My very vague memories of the times before I was even in nursery was of my mom and dad quite happy together. Before the many fights. My mom had never given me the actual reason. Oh, there were lots of reasons that I heard from many people including my mom but even when I was very much younger I knew the true reason why mom decided to leave my dad was not revealed to me. And I will never know. My dad nor my mom never remarried. They both came close to remarrying other people though I know but neither did in the end.

However, I strongly suspect that my dad had hurt my mom so much so, that she left him. Anyway that is my mom's story to tell. May she rest in peace.

What I wanted to write today was about my feelings for my dad.

As I mentioned before, I was never close to my dad, having grown up without a father figure was not a disadvantage to me. However it left me with not much feelings for my dad. I do not know what and how to feel for my dad. I'm not saying I'm heartless, but what I'm saying is I do not know how to be a daughter to him. We saw very little of my dad when we were younger. I remember I saw him once at Christmas and then hardly ever, other then the couple of times when he took us to Singapore just him and us 3 kids. We stayed with our Uncle & our cousins there. I remember at that time he was still working with MAS (Malaysia Airlines). Then sometime when I was about 10 he took a job in Saudi Arabia the next time I saw my dad was when I was 14. and I saw him again a couple of times mostly once a year. Then as I grew up I did not see him again until I was in my 20's.

The emotions I have concerning him are a variety of negative emotions, like feeling frustrated (because he messes himself up now that he is old and when he is lazy because he wants the attention like a child), impatient, sometimes even angry coz He is not taking responsibility for his own health. However, when I do take a moment to sit and think about him, I feel sad and depressed because I know a daughter should not feel so much negative emotions for her father. Under normal circumstances I mostly feel sorry for him. He is now old and he has no one.

I wish with all my heart we had a better relationship. I know in the last 2 decades he has tried to make amends for what ever he had done when he was younger. The problem was I did not have a connection with him. Our relationship improved a bit (as in we got to know more about each other) in 2003 when he came and lived with me in a flat. And when I left for England I knew he was sad to see me go. The last day that I saw him before I left the flat, I saw how sad he was like he knew his chance of growing closer to me had just vanished. That day I promised him and my self that I'll try harder to be a better daughter to him. But since then it has not happened.

In 2004 my mom told my dad just before she passed away that she forgave him for everything that has happened. She then asked us her children to do the same and to forgive him too and I gave my promise to her. Over time, I've definitely slipped up. Forgiving was not the problem. However it was that I have not been taking care of him.

Mainly due to his ill health which requires full time attention which I am unable to give him and also due to financial issues (the lack of). I had my dad come live with me sometime in Jun 2009. I had a room set up for him, cooked his lunch at 6am. Laid out the table for him before I left for work so he just had to walk to the dining table and serve himself. I had to wash & scrub the toilet more then normal because he made a mess every time. I had to wash and clean up his mess. Until the day he collapsed once when I was not around and he dragged himself to the room. The 2nd time when I was almost out the door to go to work. My dad is a tall man 6 footer, and even though he was thin he weights 70kgs. He was very much incapable of looking after himself and I did not have the strength and resources to take care of him. Further more being a single parent myself I was stretched to the limit.

With all that being said, It doesn't excuse me from being a compassionate person. After all he is an old man and deserves at more then just impatience from me. My dad had to go live in a charity home for the aged. At least there there was someone to look after him 24/7.

I, however, have just allowed time to slip by day after day without going to visit him once in the year he left my house. Ok yes times were bad, I lost my job had no work for a couple of months, finally am working again but have to pay off debts collected during my 'no work time', been sick, etc,etc. Yet till now April 2010 I have not visited him and I had not made any plans yet. Having a hope to one day afford a home & a maid to look after my dad doesn't count when I have not made the effort to go visit him.

Today, it's the 7th of August 2010. been months since I wrote the above story.

My news update is since I wrote the above, I have made the necessary effort to see my dad.

I've taken turns with his sister to take him for his monthly medical check ups. I also see him once in a month on a visit.

The 1st time I went to see him, he looked totally different from the man who left my house last year. He looked much much older, he couldn't walk needed a wheel chair.

I'm glad to say that he has improved some now. Last month when I went to take him to the doc, he did not need the wheel chair to get him form his bed to the car. He walked with my help but at least he walked. He looks a bit stronger but thin.

He still complaints about the food served. My dad is a meat man. Now he has to eat lots of veges only and gets meat only once or twice a week. They are not being mean at the home it's just old people need easy to digest food.

I keep in contact with my dad every week with phone calls. I call him and he'll call me. Our relationship is still not very close but at least we both try.

To all parents our children are a blessing, keep them close to our hearts and let them know you love them for one day we will be old and miss them.

My dad and my daughter. April 2010

God Bless all parents.

Are rapist & paedophiles living among us?

            In our country convicted rapist after being let out from prison, is totally free! They can do what ever they want again because we have no way of tracking them.

Currently, the Penal Code punishment for the rape of a child under 12 is a jail term of up to (this is the maximum) 30 years and caning. most of the time they do not get the maximum.

Statistics from the police's sexual crimes and children investigation division revealed a 50 per cent rise in the number of sex offences for five consecutive years from 2005.

In 2006,a total of 2,048 rape cases involving girls aged 16 and below were recorded compared with 925 cases in 2005. There is not much figure on rape of boys most probably because it's not reported!

How many convicted rapist and paedophiles are out there living among us? May be even living near to us?

How would I know if my neighbour is a rapist or a paedophile? how would I know if the security guard at my building where i live is a rapist or a paedophile?

What about the taxi driver? The bus driver? the chicken rice seller?

The roti man?

The grocery shop assistant that sends me gas one a month? OK how about more closer? my neighbour's son?

what about my babysitter's husband? what about my husband's friend? what about my boy friend? or fiance?

The point is we do not know who or what those around us can be or even are!

In the US, all sex offenders are registered. It was made it a criminal offense for a registered sex offender to move to another state and knowingly fail to notify the FBI and authorities in the new state. Notification to the FBI and state authorities must be made within 10 days upon moving to a new state and/or establishing residence following release from prison or placed on parole, supervised release, or probation. Upon release, each sex offender is notified of their lawful duty to register with the FBI and appropriate local authorities."

I was just thinking our country is focused on vision 2020, the multi media super corridor and such. why can't out country register sex offenders as well?

If only we can adopt the US system for this purpose, i know I would feel much more relieved.

Our Children are prey!

Recently there has been just too many violent acts against children.

Reading about a little child being raped, in front of other children in public had the hairs at the back of my neck stand on end. How can I ever trust sending my child to school in a school van/bus?

Are we so lax that anyone is able to obtain a driving license to ferry children? I guess we have no laws in place for that.

In today's papers it was reported of a 12 year old girl who was raped by 3 men! after she had a "telephone affair" with  a man. this man duped her into meeting him. someone else met her and took her to meet him however she was rape by 3 other men!

To me it sounded very much like the paper was blaming the 12 yr old girl for "having the telephone affair" with that man in the 1st place!

Why didn't the headline read:-
"Girl was raped because she was conned into meeting a man a telephone relationship"  

Instead the headline was :-

"Girl’s hand phone affair ends in rape."

They should have highlighted how come a 12 yr old was allowed to be friendly over the telephone with a total stranger?
Why is it our kids are not aware of the dangers out there?

If this child was aware that it was dangerous for her to meet a stranger, she would not have agreed to meet him.

If the child was warned against the paedophiles out there this may not have happened!
How old would your would you consider it save for a child be before she / he is allowed to use a pair of adult scissors? At what age is it fine for your child to use a knife by her/him self?
Isn't it true that when your child is learning to use the scissors or knife you would be very close to help him/her with it? to supervise him/her?
 
The same principle applies to the mobile phone, Internet, car, etc.
Do parents know the dangers of giving too much freedom too soon to the kids?
 
As a parent, would you, say "hey, you are old enough to learn to use the scissors here take this and use it wisely" to a child that has not had any lessons in using the dangerous object? Would you simply allow unsupervised use of it? 

 
Giving them too much freedom too soon is tantamount to neglecting the safety and well being of these children! Not to mention irresponsible. Isn't it our responsibility to protect the children under our care?
 
It is our responsibility as parents to PROTECT our kids, by making them aware of the dangers out there!
It is our responsibility to educate our children of the many evils of this world and the evils of humankind in general!
 It is our responsibility to make sure our kids comes to us with any tiny problems they may have!
It is our responsibility that our children trust us enough to tell us anything!
Even if it is about a "boy friend, or a girlfriend", even if it is about sex, drugs, anything. 
If our children trust us 100% they will not need to do things in secret!
It is OUR responsibility to earn our childrens' trust!
 
 
In our country convicted rapist after being let out from prison, is totally free! They can do what ever they want again because we have no way of tracking them.
 
Currently, the Penal Code punishment for the rape of a child under 12 is a jail term of up to (this is the maximum) 30 years and caning. most of the time they do not get the maximum.

Statistics from the police's sexual crimes and children investigation division revealed a 50 per cent rise in the number of sex offences for five consecutive years from 2005.

In 2006,a total of 2,048 rape cases involving girls aged 16 and below were recorded compared with 925 cases in 2005. There is not much figure on rape of boys most probably because it's not reported!

How many convicted rapist and paedophiles are out there living among us? May be even living near to us? How would I know if my neighbour is a rapist or a paedophile? how would I know if the security guard at my building where i live is a rapist or a paedophile? What about the taxi driver? The bus driver? the chicken rice seller? The roti man? The grocery shop assistant that sends me gas one a month? OK how about more closer? my neighbour's son? what about my babysitter's husband? what about my husband's friend? what about my boy friend? or fiance?
The point is we do not know who or what those around us can be or even are!

In the US, all sex offenders are registered. It was made it a criminal offense for a registered sex offender to move to another state and knowingly fail to notify the FBI and authorities in the new state. Notification to the FBI and state authorities must be made within 10 days upon moving to a new state and/or establishing residence following release from prison or placed on parole, supervised release, or probation. Upon release, each sex offender is notified of their lawful duty to register with the FBI and appropriate local authorities."

I was just thinking our country is focused on vision 2020, the multi media super corridor and such. why can't out country register sex offenders as well? If only we can adopt the US system for this purpose, i know I would feel much more releived.

Maternit leave? Yes We need more!

I read somewhere something about extra maternity leave ans some people were for it and also some against it.

I am all for it. I'm a  mom and If i ever wanna go thru bringing a child in this world again when i'm also working then i will need it! People being a parent to a new born baby is the most stressful, job in the world! especially so if u r a one parent household!

But lets speak for the majority here. imagine the mom after carrying her baby in her body for the past 40 weeks (average to full term) finally gets her body back but from the time she goes into labour (let me emphasise here the word LABOUR) she has no rest and that's not to say she was comfortable in the 40 weeks 4 the labour begun. she only gets relieve once the baby has join the world we live in and is no longer in her body! she has to go thru the 1st day/night with her infant she can sleep no matter how tired she is as there are things to d like changing her cloths a few times and trying to do it without pain. her feelings for the new infant, worrying, dealing with other family members (thank God she has her partner beside her helping her thru). she has to feed the baby (she has to feed it no matter if from her breast or otherwise)

Then this part just continues on for the next week until things calm down a bit at home but she has very little sleep not only the mom but also the dad! for the next week (that's 2 weeks now) the family has to entertain visitors and well wishes too as well as caring for the baby. no rest at nite and not enough rest during the day either. once things settle a bit  in another 2 weeks when the confinement time is up, they have to prepare either a kenduri, full moon or baptism celebration. every culture has it's own and it involves a lot of additional stress and sleepless nites.

The next month, things are getting more settled, the mom & dad need to look for someone to take care of the baby once mom starts working again. Unfortunately the mom has to go back to work just after  2months she is not fully recovered her baby is still very young. they both mom & baby need the extra time.

And the fathers should be given more time too. some companies do not even allow the fathers paternity leave not even 1 day! the fathers had 40 weeks of being with his pregnant wife then he had to go thru the labour without being able to offer much but comfort then after that he has to deal wit all the paper work and help his wife with the baby and work a full time job as well.

But we were all babies once and we all had parents too we too may all one day be parents so let's consider are we really a caring society or a money making society?

As a single working adult for 15 yrs of my life I've had a few colleagues who when on maternity leave never once did resentment fill my mind because of any additional work i have due to her absence. never once did i feel "hey why r u getting paid but i'm doing ur work? however i did resent some colleagues who used to take MC's just becoz they cud and not coz they were sick! it was ans still is 2 very different issues to me.

As a parent of a 6 yrs old, and i have no future intentions of having another kid, Malaysia really must realise that when we are caring we get much more then when we are calculative.
If a boss really cares about his/her workers, they will know it and they will give their 110% effort in appreciation!

I've been working for more than 1/2 of my life and i have had the honor of working for some very good people, those of us who had the privileged to work for them, to us it was some of our best memories! I've also had the "horror" of working for some very self serving people and let me tell u i learned the many ways of not giving as much as i can!

So i think it is a very good idea if more time can be given for maternity & paternity leaves.