My parents were divorced when I was 5. Being raise by my mo, meant I didnt have a close relationship with my dad. For many years we are more like strangers.
The times when he did come to visit me, It was very awkward for me but as I grew older I suspected it was awkward for my Dad as well.
Why my parents got a divorce? I have never found out the actual truth. After all my parents had 4 kids and were together for 6 years. My very vague memories of the times before I was even in nursery was of my mom and dad quite happy together. Before the many fights. My mom had never given me the actual reason. Oh, there were lots of reasons that I heard from many people including my mom but even when I was very much younger I knew the true reason why mom decided to leave my dad was not revealed to me. And I will never know. My dad nor my mom never remarried. They both came close to remarrying other people though I know but neither did in the end.
However, I strongly suspect that my dad had hurt my mom so much so, that she left him. Anyway that is my mom's story to tell. May she rest in peace.
What I wanted to write today was about my feelings for my dad.
As I mentioned before, I was never close to my dad, having grown up without a father figure was not a disadvantage to me. However it left me with not much feelings for my dad. I do not know what and how to feel for my dad. I'm not saying I'm heartless, but what I'm saying is I do not know how to be a daughter to him. We saw very little of my dad when we were younger. I remember I saw him once at Christmas and then hardly ever, other then the couple of times when he took us to Singapore just him and us 3 kids. We stayed with our Uncle & our cousins there. I remember at that time he was still working with MAS (Malaysia Airlines). Then sometime when I was about 10 he took a job in Saudi Arabia the next time I saw my dad was when I was 14. and I saw him again a couple of times mostly once a year. Then as I grew up I did not see him again until I was in my 20's.
The emotions I have concerning him are a variety of negative emotions, like feeling frustrated (because he messes himself up now that he is old and when he is lazy because he wants the attention like a child), impatient, sometimes even angry coz He is not taking responsibility for his own health. However, when I do take a moment to sit and think about him, I feel sad and depressed because I know a daughter should not feel so much negative emotions for her father. Under normal circumstances I mostly feel sorry for him. He is now old and he has no one.
I wish with all my heart we had a better relationship. I know in the last 2 decades he has tried to make amends for what ever he had done when he was younger. The problem was I did not have a connection with him. Our relationship improved a bit (as in we got to know more about each other) in 2003 when he came and lived with me in a flat. And when I left for England I knew he was sad to see me go. The last day that I saw him before I left the flat, I saw how sad he was like he knew his chance of growing closer to me had just vanished. That day I promised him and my self that I'll try harder to be a better daughter to him. But since then it has not happened.
In 2004 my mom told my dad just before she passed away that she forgave him for everything that has happened. She then asked us her children to do the same and to forgive him too and I gave my promise to her. Over time, I've definitely slipped up. Forgiving was not the problem. However it was that I have not been taking care of him.
Mainly due to his ill health which requires full time attention which I am unable to give him and also due to financial issues (the lack of). I had my dad come live with me sometime in Jun 2009. I had a room set up for him, cooked his lunch at 6am. Laid out the table for him before I left for work so he just had to walk to the dining table and serve himself. I had to wash & scrub the toilet more then normal because he made a mess every time. I had to wash and clean up his mess. Until the day he collapsed once when I was not around and he dragged himself to the room. The 2nd time when I was almost out the door to go to work. My dad is a tall man 6 footer, and even though he was thin he weights 70kgs. He was very much incapable of looking after himself and I did not have the strength and resources to take care of him. Further more being a single parent myself I was stretched to the limit.
With all that being said, It doesn't excuse me from being a compassionate person. After all he is an old man and deserves at more then just impatience from me. My dad had to go live in a charity home for the aged. At least there there was someone to look after him 24/7.
I, however, have just allowed time to slip by day after day without going to visit him once in the year he left my house. Ok yes times were bad, I lost my job had no work for a couple of months, finally am working again but have to pay off debts collected during my 'no work time', been sick, etc,etc. Yet till now April 2010 I have not visited him and I had not made any plans yet. Having a hope to one day afford a home & a maid to look after my dad doesn't count when I have not made the effort to go visit him.
Today, it's the 7th of August 2010. been months since I wrote the above story.
My news update is since I wrote the above, I have made the necessary effort to see my dad.
I've taken turns with his sister to take him for his monthly medical check ups. I also see him once in a month on a visit.
The 1st time I went to see him, he looked totally different from the man who left my house last year. He looked much much older, he couldn't walk needed a wheel chair.
I'm glad to say that he has improved some now. Last month when I went to take him to the doc, he did not need the wheel chair to get him form his bed to the car. He walked with my help but at least he walked. He looks a bit stronger but thin.
He still complaints about the food served. My dad is a meat man. Now he has to eat lots of veges only and gets meat only once or twice a week. They are not being mean at the home it's just old people need easy to digest food.
I keep in contact with my dad every week with phone calls. I call him and he'll call me. Our relationship is still not very close but at least we both try.
To all parents our children are a blessing, keep them close to our hearts and let them know you love them for one day we will be old and miss them.
My dad and my daughter. April 2010
No comments:
Post a Comment